Recently I burnt the hell out! It had been coming for a long time, over years infact. Something was off. I was resentful of giving to others, I lost interest in things I love, I didn’t want to make conversation, see friends or start new projects. I was still me but just a much smaller version of myself.
What I couldn’t see at the time was that I was at a really juicy point. The point where things get bad enough that they change.
Eventually I sussed out why and how I ended up where I did and got clear on what I needed to do to avoid another burnout. I’ve made changes and life is good. I have more energy and enthusiasm than I was anticipating.
Whether you are there or just on your way, don’t wait for circumstances or people to change it for you. You absolutely have the power to do all the things, achieve all of the successes and still be left feeling healthy, happy and energised.
Heres what you need to know:
Boundaries
The people who have to most to give are people with the best boundaries.
I cant emphasise enough how important this is. Boundaries are knowing what feels good or ok to you and what doesn’t. Having strong or healthy boundaries is feeling safe and empowered to say no to what doesn’t.
How do you know if your boundaries are being crossed? Your feelings will always tell you i.e. you will feel bad. Having boundaries requires you to notice and care about how you feel. When you listen to the way something makes you feel you will know whats right and wrong for you.
I know it sounds simple but often the most simple truths are the most powerful! Allow your feelings to be your navigation system. Like a sat nav telling you to make a u turn, feelings of resentment, fear, dread, anger, frustration etc are there to tell you something.
Nobody can violate your boundaries without your permission. You have to learn how to put your needs first. Nobody can do this for you.
Do you feel guilty or selfish when you say no, put your needs first or ask for what you want? If so lets paint a new picture for you. When you are full you are more loving, more giving, more instinctive, empathic, compassionate, effective and inspired. When you are are mentally, emotionally or physically spent you tend more towards impatient, ineffective, slow, sluggish and resentful. Someone recently told me to imagine a tea cup on a saucer. Your job is to fill that cup and then when the tea spills out onto the saucer, that is what you have to give to others.
Take baby steps to begin with. Try it out in a small way. Say no to a party you don’t want to go to, take an hour to yourself to do something you want to do, ask somebody else in the household to cook dinner or finish on time with a client. You’ll see that ultimately nothing terrible happens.
This is an ongoing practice. Your boundaries (what is right and wrong for you) will change over time. When you care about how you feel more often you come to know yourself and your needs. Armed with this insight you can give yourself permission more often to take care of you.
Feeding in
Do you even know what feeds you? Because I didnt! Just like a car, when you give energy in any way you use up fuel. If you want to feel inspired, energised and balanced you have to find out what it is that feeds you and tops you back up. You have find out how to refuel the car.
Ask your self these questions:
What is fun to you?
When do you feel energised?
What feels easy and effortless to you?
Ask yourself not what should you do but “what do I want to do more often?”
An example of my refuelers are listening to music, singing, writing, filming, cooking and gardening. My husband hits the gym or sees friends. It could be reading a good book, writing in a journal, walking, gratitude work, calling a friend or a yoga class. What lifts you up?
Keep a list, actually write it down somewhere. Over time this list will grow. When I first asked myself “what feeds me?” I was totally stumped, I had no idea. But in a short time I discovered what I love to do and what feeds me. I can tell you that life is a hell of a lot easier when you dedicate time to topping up the fuel.
Rest
Not just any kind of rest, guilt free rest! For some this is a toughy. You need to know how and when to rest and then ALLOW YOURSELF to do it.
What kind of rest works varies from person to person. How do you need to rest? If Im stressed or busy in the mind I need some Yin Yoga or meditation. If Im just generally tired I snuggle up under a blanket with the dog and watch something easy and funny like The Big Bang Theory. What kind of rest is the best for you?
Know when you need to rest too. I am a bit of an introvert so when I teach large groups, especially something more intense like a three hour workshop I get really drained and I schedule in extra rest. I learnt by listening to how I felt that I do have a limit to the amount of my more demanding activities that I can do and its totally ok.
For me writing and blogging takes a lot less energy and so the balance was to come up with a really comfortable limit to the amount of face to face work that I do and fill in the rest of my time with these activities that feed me.
We are all different so whats yours? What is draining you at the moment? What is really taking the energy from you? What would you reduce or even cut completely if you could. And adversely whats easy, fun and comes naturally to you?
Can you giggle things around a little? Its ok to take the path of least resistance. Trust me you will have more energy and be more productive and creative in the long run!
Don’t try to be what your not. Dont try to be anyone else.
Looking back I feel like I’ve spent years going against the grain. Trying to be everything, expecting too much, trying to prove to myself and everyone around me that I can do it all and I can do it all on my own.
Truth bomb time. I am a human being. I don’t have all my shit together and sometimes I struggle. Some things scare me, some things trigger me and some things drain me. There are things that I find really hard (that others find easy) and some things I know Im a pro at.
It felt amazing to say ” Im not good at ALL of the things and I don’t need to be either!” Im going to let myself off the hook. Im going to play to my strengths and allow my weaknesses. Screw what anyone else wants from me or thinks I should be. This is who I am and thats enough. Thats ALWAYS enough.
Conclusion
To avoid burnout you have to be unapologetically awesome at your own self care. This is an process of getting to know yourself and your needs.
Give yourself permission. It is ok to look after yourself, to say no, to please you before others, to do what is fun and easy and feeds you. The path of least resistance is not just ok its necessary. Limits are ok. You are human.
If you are feeling burnt out it is real. You are not weak or just not keeping up. Your body and mind are sending you signs and its time to listen.
Dont ignore the signs use them as a call to action to get really good at self care. Have fun figuring out what you love, what feeds you and how to rest well.
Heres the bottom line…….
the more you look after you, the more you want to look after you because you see how easy it is and how great you can feel. Your output goes up and the people around you benefit more from your health and happiness than they do from your self sacrifice. Take care of them by taking care of you!
One last gentle reminder…. the shiny, good at everything , holding it all together whilst looking fabulous people you see on instagram, facebook, tv etc…….have plenty of bad days!!!
Anyone successful people or high achievers are so because they figured out how to take care of themselves, how to optimise themselves and how to work with what they are instead of resisting it.